Twinkle Twinkle little diary ~

I'm tired of keeping this inside of me.

I know I had these depressing posts going on some months ago, right after Ryutaro's so called "scandal."

After that my whole jump fandom fainted, not because I stopped liking them, but simply because I got so depressed looking at them knowing that Ryutaro, my favorite, was not there anymore.

I remember going to Johnny's Shop last summer, realizing that they had taken away all the photos of him (I srsly raged inside) but I was going to buy some photos anyway... I mean I still liked the other members, right? But no, my rage took over and I decided that if Johnny were going to be such a bitch (sorry) I would not buy any pictures. So I left without buying anything.

Months went by and I stopped thinking about it too much. I mean as long as I didn't look at any jump related stuff I didn't cry. But of course it happened that I did after that I would sit by myself, crying and missing my Ryuu. But even though I stopped thinking about it as time passed by I still had this hope somewhere inside that he would come back, someday.

Later his photo disappeared from Johnny's net I think most of us understood that it was over, I wish I would have understood. Instead I acted like nothing happened.

Then all these rumors came before new years that he will come back and of course I started to hope even more again. (knowing that I shouldn't) But no.

And then yesterday we got the official news that he won't ever come back to JUMP. I know I kinda knew it all along but of course I had kept hoping… I mean how could I have stopped? I didn't cry yesterday... everything just felt weird and I guess I just couldn't understand it since I've always been thinking that he'll come back. And just now, after letting it digest a bit I realize that he actually won't and it hurts. (non-fangirls will probably think I'm mental) but all the fangirls out there… you know what I mean.

For almost three years Ryutaro has meant so much for me, perhaps even a bit too much at times. And realizing that the person that has been on my mind 99% of the time won't be coming back is just hard, awful, sad. it just didn't excist in my world. Non-fangirls will probalby think "But gosh you don't even know that person" FU AGAIN (sorry) You simply don't understand. I mean I have been a fangirl for so many years already and Ryutaro has been the most important one among all of my fandoms, and will still be. When I was sick and where at the bottom, JUMP could actually make me happy. "Take care of your happy thoughts" Right? Shouldn't we all do that? And JUMP is one of the things that makes me happy.

In 2 days it has been exactly 2 years ago since I saw JUMP live for the first time, and hopefully not the last. Yabu wasn’t there so it was only nine of them, and of course it's sad knowing that I won't ever see all 10 of them at the same time. I’m also so angry and disappointed at myself that I never sent him a fan letter, I did start writing numerous of times but I never sent them away since they never became perfect.

I really do hope that this "not coming back" decision was his own, because then I do understand and accept it. Even though I now know that he won't be coming back to JUMP I will start hoping that he will, as my mum said come back someday "He will probably become a superstar by himself!"

I really do hope you're right mum, I really do. Maybe not tomorrow, or in a year, but someday.

I wish you the best of the best and all the happiness in life. And that we will meet soon, so we can plan our life together when we eventually get married. (ok I should stop. lol.) I still love him though.

xoxo devastated but not mental (or maybe) Morimoto Ryutaro fan.